Pip, my little cherub

Your parents are on a week or ten days holiday; they have not died and left the farm to you. They left Ambridge on 26th October, that is, six days before your life-and-death angst. They will be back within the same time.

Anything that the cows need in the way of a complete change of regimen is not your business to do. If you absolutely feel that they absolutely must have their diet altered Right Now instead of in a few days’ time when the herd manager (Ruth) gets back, have you considered the possibility that rather than going over her head and potentially doing something which will upset her, you might USE THE BLOODY TELEPHONE YOU NITWIT? And if it is the Herefords, the same applies about David.

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plese don’t shout, it frightens the hamsters

And you are ignoring the ‘very simple rules, and few’ regarding telephonic communications in Ambridge. I think we all know what they are but they might need formal drafting and eventually A Page Of Their Own.

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People in Ambridge do use mobile phones! Matt and Lilian have been on the phone constantly for weeks. Pip has even used one herself: she rang Jude at the airport.

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Oh they ‘use’ them, I wasn’t denying that for a moment, but only within certain tightly defined limits.
'Byee!

Well, you did mention the blessed Jude - if ever a soap character redeemed himself with two syllables, it wor 'im.

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That wor indeed good.

But the fact remains that if somebody is left in charge of the day to day business of a farm, policy decisions are not really up to them, especially if the people who do have the right to make policy decisions are on the other end of a phone conversation. And it wouldn’t even attract roving charges at the moment; they are only in Portugal.

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How can you possibly question the right of someone to make decisions that are endorsed as right simply by virtue of it being them that is making them? Oh, because you are not the grandmother of the making-right-decisions person. May I be among the thousands congratulating you on that wise move?

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It’s not just the grandmother. The parents think every word uttered by her is pure gold. So there is that; she has been brought up to think unrealistically highly of her abilities.

Also, let’s not forget that Ruth is only the herd manager when it suits her. If anything goes wrong, it is David’s fault, not Ruth’s. Remember who took the blame for IBR getting onto Brookfield in the first place?

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Well it is David’s fault. He didn’t have to marry the stunted, graceless, prurient, slatternly, faux-dilute-Geordie, yellow-wearing, coo-obsessed, wart-encrusted, short-arsed, thick and graceless lump that is Ruth.

And they are still not (ok, not successfully, before someone kicks off) using contraception. If the owl-bothering monster that is Pip doesn’t put you off it, nothing would. Monsters of concupiscence and failures of discrimination, the pair of them.

Oh, I think I forgot the cattle. I hope they die too, but painlessly and in the most expensive way possible.

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I just wish for once one (though preferably more) of the Brookfield lot, in order, Ruth, Pip, Jill, Josh and David (let’s forget Ben, the storywriters have) would suffer the consequences of their actions. OK, see your point about David, married to Ruth, that’s life sentence unless someone kills her. But for everything else, they’re like Teflon.

So I’m not going to get my hopes up that Pip gets egg on her face over this latest example of her arrogant stupidity. She escaped the consequences of her role in spreading the IBR as good old Dad - not, let’s note, Ruth - took a bullet for her over that.

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Janie my sweet, whenever you hope for bad things to befall Pip, I am right behind you*.

*with reinforcements and a few entertaining yet convoluted ideas

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Pure poetry.

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It is, isn’t it.

JJ, David did get prosecuted for killing one of the two badgers.

The trouble is, if they had realistic consequences for all their stupidity David and Ruth would have been bust and had to sell the farm decades ago.

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Wouldn’t that be a shame…

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It would have been fun if they had sold to Home Farm, moved up north and made a total hash of it and come back as tenant farmers answerable to Brian and Adam.

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