The Book of Benny Suicides

In preparation for tonight, maybe we should be running a book on which method the superfluous twerp will fail successfully to implement.

Stifling self in flour bin 50/1

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  • Fatally impale self on passin’ small bird (you know how I said I’d got an actin’ job and couldn’t tell you about it?)
  • Poo Lagoon (I don’t care if it’s been drained, the miasma is eternal)
  • Drown self in Am (speakin’ of miasma)
  • Sheep-botherin’
  • Hurl self in front of Vince’s midlife-crisis-mobile
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  • Overdose of Scruff Gin
  • Overdose of red diesel
  • Looking the wrong way at Hilda
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By rope 10/1

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Swallowing umpteen red Smarties under the impression they are an anti-depressant and fatal in large numbers.

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  • tractoring while depressed
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Is it possible to bore yourself to death?

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Decapitation by roadsign/bridge?
Well, he was sticking his head out of the car window (tongue and ears no doubt flapping madly in the breeze).

All very disappointing. At least Dopey has to spend all night sitting around in A&E with Joy talking at him while they try to find the duty nutter-wrangler/deep-clean the padded cell.

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Pecked to death by outraged listeners?

(“Surely that wasn’t suicide?” “Did you hear his performance?”)

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Don’t be silly: that’s the orange ones.

Probably. In very large numbers

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Depends what they’re packed in.

And how it’s launched…

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“The shot went through Freeman’s head like a… red Smartie?”

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