What Alan might have said

Gaw, 'course you can be a vic. Great lark, nobody round here knows what’s meant to happen in a church so you can tell 'em any old cobblers. You should probably say something about being nice to each other, because look at 'em, that’s the one thing they’ll never do, so they’ll leave you alone for a bit.

The money’s not great but it beats working for a living.