Ambridge Reporter Phonetic Dictionary

Not The Archers
1

A supplement to the ARSED, this aims to be a completely useless phonetic alphabet.

I first tried using only words that start with a silent letter, but that only gets us so far. Better (i.e. worse) results are achieved by liberal use of homophones (hence the inclusion of the yak/cow hybrid that has been the salvation of so many Scrabble players). Can anyone fill the gaps? (Could we look to Welsh for L?)

Aeon, Air, Aye
Bdellium
Czar, Cite, Cough, Clan
Dzo
Eon, Ere, Eye
Fillip [Thanks, Gus], File
Gneiss
Heir
Iain
Jung
Knight, Knew, Key, Knot
Llan [Thanks, Fanta]
Mnemonic
Night, New, Nice, Not
Oedipal
Ptarmigan, Philip, Phial
Quay, Qoph
Rite, Rye
Sight
Tsar
Uakari [Thanks again, Gus], Uisce beatha
Vale (as in “Ave atque…”) [Gus]; “Veni, vidi, vici” (Correct Classical Latin pronunciation de rigueur)
Write, Wry
Xmas [OK - cheating a bit there]
Young
Zo

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2

Not quite sure what you are after, but wouldn’t any Welsh word starting Lla do for L?

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3

F - Fillip

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4

That was what I had in mind, but the actual pronunciation is an issue; it’s not really a homophone for “cla-“. Mind you, there are enough dodgy entries already, so why not? There’s Llan, just
south of Snowdonia National Park, so we could add that and “clan” to the list

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5

Excellent, Gus! And we can have file/phial

I’m almost looking forward to the next cold-caller who rings…

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6

U and V are reet buggers.
Best I can do is uakari.

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7

How about uisce/uisge beatha*, as a nod to the real NATO Phonetic Alphabet?




*Spellcheck has just introduced me to the world’s worst female snooker player: Miscue Bertha

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8

Ooh, now I calls that inspired

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9

I prefer “imbibed”…

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10

Almost there! Just “V” left…

If all else fails, could we get away with “Five”?

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11

Or ‘vale’ as in ave atque?

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12

Or “weeny, weedy and weaky”?

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13

I came, I saw I concurred.

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14

And it’s complete! (Additional suggestions always welcome, however!)

A heartfelt

TSAR - HEIR - AIR - NOT - KNOT
YOUNG - OEDIPAL - UAKARI*

to all contributors!





*Could swear I spotted one of them in Durham a few weeks ago…
image

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15

Are you sure it’s not a bonobo?

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16

You can go close enough to check, if you want - I’m staying right here!

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17

Socially distanced. Snork…!

Carinthia.xx

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18

Bonobos are slender chimpanzees in appearance

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19

That’ll be all the exercise they get from shagging.

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20

Just reviving this briefly to add this, from Sid Kipper:

THE ILLITERATE’S ALPHABET
(Sid Kipper)

A is for ‘are’, like ‘are you sixteen?’
Also for ‘aural’, if you see what I mean;
C’s for a ‘cue’, with which pool is played,
And D is for ‘duty’, which we try to evade.

Chorus
Honour your teacher and see you do well,
Then you’ll be certain you know how to spell.

E is for ‘eye’, it’s open, you see,
F is for ‘F’ - with asterisks, three;
G’s for the gnat that gnaws on a gnu,
And H is for ‘honest’ - would I lie to you?

I’s not for Einstein, or eiderdown either,
J is for ‘Jasmine’, no girl could be blither;
K’s for her ‘knickers’, but not those who take 'em,
And L’s for ‘Llandudno’, if I’m not mistaken.

M’s for ‘Mnemonics’ - with initials so neat,
N’s in ‘conclusive’, but not in ‘complete’;
O is for ‘oestrogen’, or so they do tell,
And P’s for ‘phonetics’ which help us to spell.

Q is for ‘quay’, where boats tie along,
But R’s not for writing, unless you’ve writ wrong;
S is for ‘sea’, which laps on the shore,
And T’s for ‘Tsunami’, which does rather more.

U’s for ‘Uranus’, it is, I insist,
V’s for a ‘void’, which we all try to miss;
W’s for ‘why’, but also for who,
And X is for ‘Xerox’, and xylophone too.

Y is for ‘you’, but, then, so is E,
Z’s not for Zar - that’s C or it’s T;
You’ll notice I missed out the one before C;
Well, for present purposes, it’s an absolute B!

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