And this is an EDUCATIONAL establishment?

From the postgrad application guidelines for a university that I think should remain nameless:

*At ********, our research teams work on understanding different cultures and societies to aid enable a more culturally inclusive society. We have a dynamic research community working on a wide array of activities, including creative digital media, the performing arts, music, and literature.

Our business and management research is founded on a wealth of professional experience in systematic enquiry, with a finger on the pulse of a rapidly changing business environment, and encompasses, areas including retail, consumer marketing, finance, corporate responsibility, policy development, and more. We design technological business solutions, through our involvement in multidisciplinary teams in areas such as, data analytics, digital platforms and more.

I was expecting it to be signed “C. Ironfoundersson”…

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“We give you plausible deniability when all your users’ personal data that they didn’t know they were giving you shows up being sold by Facebook.”

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I assume this means something, but I am unsure what.

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Possibly a failed machine translation of “to help facilitate”?

Except this is an anglophone institution…

Furthermore:

If English is not your first language, you will have to be able to read and write English to a certain level in order to apply to *********.

Applicants whose first language is not English may be required to provide evidence of English language proficiency.

Candidates who fail to provide such evidence are invited to write next year’s prospectus.

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I should add that “to help facilitate” is itself a phrase that should be taken out and shot* - but was the least bad of the various alternatives I tried.

Tautologists are we, ourselves.

*Or possibly, perhaps, taken out, removed, fired upon and shot

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I am twitching faintly. W#rk flashbacks.

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I once had a boss who never wrote me, you, our or they; always and only myself, yourself, ourselves, yourselves or themselves (but mysteriously not himself or herself). If I was typing out fair copies of his letters I always eliminated all the selvses, and when he eventually asked why, I told him that it was because they were bad English. He didn’t stop using them in the drafts, but he stopped complaining about them being removed.

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Bein’ lightly stunned with a hole-punch and then bound, gagged and stuffed behing the photocopier does tend to set a chap’s gas at a low peep, on the whole…

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Wot’s wrong wiv inside the photocopier? All sorts of excitin’ things there.

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The actual work still needs doing, dere Dunnock: clients are waiting. You don’t think thon stunned eejit was actually involved in the productive flow, surely? I had you for a far downier bird…

[saunters off, whistling 9 to 5]

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You need a more robust photocopier, more like the ones we had at [censored] Towers. A mere manager in the works might be the cause of a few seconds’ delay in processing the first sheet, and perhaps a more vivid red tone than usual for a while.

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ENVY!

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We used to tie a colleague to the flagpole stripped to their undies so we could drop a in bag full of cold water and the contents of a toner cartridge on them before they went on leave to get married

Simple souls are peelers

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Gawds, do not get me started on photocopier repair. You would think that replacement, under warranty, of a fuser unit that arrived not working and with things rattling inside it would be a simple task. Not with the gobshites we ordered from, who think that their website saying “returns must be made within seven days” overrides the warranty.

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