Telephone Nuisance Calls

Today I answered the first nuisance call (as opposed to wrong number, to which I am always polite) that I have had for some time. After telling the chap politely that under the Timbuctu town clock on the second Thursday of next week would be a convenient time for an appointment, and ringing off, I got to musing about the whole business: does anyone really buy from a cold caller?

Anyhow, it gives one a chance to be a little creative in dealing with them. I have been collecting ways to do it, over the years.

My all-time favourite was a friend’s husband who fielded the seventh or eighth from a carpet firm in the course of a single day (they concluded that they had somehow got onto a ā€œfitted carpetsā€ list while finding someone to fit a new carpet in their hall and stairs) and finally lost patience.

ā€œI’ll have to ask my wife about this,ā€ he said. ā€œHold on.ā€ Then he shouted to his wife in the next room, ā€œDarling, shall we have the dining-room ceiling carpeted? We’ve done everywhere else, haven’t we?ā€

Funnily enough, when he talked to the phone again he found that the bloke had rung off.

Has anyone got any good ones?

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It’s just like email spam: very few people will buy, but the cost of making the approach is low, so even if only one in a thousand falls for it there’s still profit to be made.

Feral once worked in an office where the sales guy was an Ac-Tor; his approach was to use a two-year-old list of contacts, call people cold, try to sell them the product, and then swear at them when they weren’t interested.

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I would argue that he was in fact a sales guy, and that as and when he got a part, he would have been a ā€˜resting’ sales guy. By their fruits, and all that.

I still bear the scars from a brief stint flogging advertising space.

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I’m so sorry, Gus.

In this particular bloke’s case, his self-image was clearly Ac-Tor whether or not he’d ever actually got anywhere with it. He didn’t have a Wall of Stuff Wot I’ve Been In, and I don’t think it was because he was so secure he didn’t need one.

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Oh, it wasn’t so bad, Hedgers: I was young, resilient and very, very stupid. On the whole, I feel rather sorrier for Ac-Tors like Feral’s.

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I knew a failed Ac-tor (he once got a crowd part in a film, and it gave him Ideas) who was constantly in a state of putting his best profile to the camera, if that makes sense. I admit he was good-looking, but not that good.

I don’t think he ever did phone sales, though.

The only person I knew who did is now a professor, so I won’t say who it was in case it damages his career. He was not an academic at the time, just hungry.