The Ballad of Benjamin

My name it is Ben Archer and I cycle where I like:
It’d take auld Flann O’Brien to tell what is Boy, what Bike.
I’ve run down two policemen and a third is in my sights
As I hurtle through the countryside sans helmet, bell or lights.

Ohhhh ……
My name it is Ben Archer and I ride the Borset lanes.
‘Twixt me scrotum and me family, I’m well enough off for pains.
The crock of shite I’m saddled with makes a brave young spirit sink
I’ll solace myself with cycling
Til I’m old enough to drink.

They say I am ‘artistic’ ‘cos I scribble on the walls
But they can’t read the choicer words: I’ve more brains in me balls.
And before the Home Farm drama, Pip was the Village Trike -
My name it is Ben Archer and I’m out there on my bike


Me brother and me Daddy-o, they give me no thought at all
And me Mammy no thought neither since she dropped me in the hall,
And Granny’s a hooting loony who totters from Aga to sink
And the stench of her Lemon Drizzle could drive a lad to drink.



Oh Gus

I do love you…

Many moons ago, we used to take a lot of tinned food camping with us - well Mr C did - sans 'Lectric & 'Fridge

I introduced the CoolBox to the Fambly…


Mr C & The Darlings used to eat tinned meatballs at the time

We were once in Tesco, I believe, & he was reading the information about the contents of the tin of Meatballs in his hand

‘My God’, says he, 'there’s more meat in mine than in this tin…

Liberates Pitcher

Wrong Thread




Carinthia dere, I would have thought that you of all people would know that there is no such thing as The Wrong Thread Forra Pitcher.

Chortling madly at Mr C’s observation.
Mwah! Love you too, dere Chatelaine, as it happens.
Gus xxxx

What is the etiquette for introducing a Coolbox (not a box of Cool - like the Monks of Same, that would make its own rules) to a Family. I mean, who goes first? Does it proffer one of those frozen blue brick thingies or what? It’s a social minefield, I suspect… :wink:


The then ‘Manager’ of the Campsite in Carinthia was, exceedingly henpecked. Frau Fuchs,



Would only allow ice-packs to be changed between 8 & 9am

We started with a Cool Bag, to get them used to the idea, but moved swiftly on to the Box

The Lad mentioned it the other day, actually

Didn’t have an 'Lectric hook-up until 2000

We all survived…



Excellent work, Gus!

Now to find a suitably Ben-like tune for it…

Of course we all know the real reason Ben is silent is because the actor has landed the title role in Waiting For Godot


Love that though I do, and I feel it should have a home on any passing piano or music stand, Ben needs a whining country-style gee-tar behind him at the beginning and the full plinky-plink twang skronggg! easy resolution later (he’s only young).


One of he best pieces of graffiti I ever saw was " If Godot arrives tell him we’re in the Rose & Crown"

As was “Which Tyler, leader of the Pedant’s Revolt”

Oh, & at Uni “Int Educshion grate ? 3 years ago I couldn’t even speel Enginear. Now I is one”.


“The Tygers of Wrath are Wiser than the Horses of Instruction”.


Written on a wall at the bottom of North Gower Street where it joined the Euston Road, many years ago.

What can I say? We were not entirely sober at the time…

And then Brian Talbot saw it while he was in London on some later occasion, and put it into The Adventures of Luther Arkwright in his slum whose name I forget, and some years after that I asked him why he had it on a wall in his comic, and then he started to mutter about synchronicity or something and got all Anxious.


“What do we want ?”

“Time travel !!”

“When do we want it ??”

" … er … we’re not really all that bothered".