As far as I am concerned, to qualify, it must be a character who is badly-behaved, badly-acted and never gets any comeuppance, but on the contrary is bafflingly well-regarded in Ambridge. Then, one has to consider, would the death create good storylines?
I can’t decide whether to put Ruth or Pip at the top of my list, so I have always thought that an accident killing Ruth caused by Pip’s absolutely undeniable negligence would meet the bill. Can’t be a tractor, that’s been done, nor a bull for the same reason. Is there anything lethal in the dairy that could kill Ruth and it be Pip’s fault?
David and Josh blame her, of course, so she leaves Brookfield in a major strop (you’re all sooo unfair!) and stays away indefinitely.
Anyhow, that’s my scenario, other suggestions welcome!
Electrocution’s always a risk
I can’t easily better that one. It would make for lots of storylines coming from it, as well.
Go on, go on, go on give it a go … I know you’re good at plots. The fictional kind, that its.
You were in danger of strangling your thread at birth, Janie: the conditions you stipulate make Pip a shoo-in. Nevertheless, I would like to propose a couple of further candidates for consideration.
Lynda bleedin’ Snell. While people might mutter and be a little rude about her, she is generally well thought of. But just think: no panto! That alone would be an immense benefit (SWs might have to do a bit more heavy lifting now and then, though, and I get the impression they don’t enjoy that much). Mown down while trying to capture data on cars passing through Ambridge without the bloke with a flag walking in front as set out in the by-laws. Village outraged but fails to be able to organise an effective speed reduction campaign. Robert sinks into alcoholism and misanthropy, making only very occasional appearances to be extremely rude to people. Starts by telling Bunter just what to do with his wife’s collection of idols, proffering some aloe vera gel of the Late’s to facilitate insertion.
Ruddy Fallon. I loathe, detest and abominate Fallon - her stupid name, her stupid tea & tat empire, her stupid vehicle purchasing, her stupidly successful track record with catering contracts, her pie-brain, her stupid surrender to a creepy, position-abusing sex pest, and most of all her ghastly, faux enthusiastic glo’'al-stop-free voice. .
(I tried to LA to identify the (it turned out, thanks joe) Dowland under her conversation with JD last week and things nearly got broken).
Unaccountably, she seems popular in the village. An unpleasant accident - fire’s been done, otherwise burning in the tea room would be strangely satisfying - putting an end to her would throw the sulky and shrewish drab Emma out of work, placing further financial strain on the Grange Farm gang of chisellers and scroungers. Harrison would with luck be too grief=stricken/shag-deprived to concentrate on the cricket, do coaching of these bloody women he’s foisted on the team, or search for missing bunting. He’d be posted somewhere else. Result. Bridge Farm are down by the sum of the business rent. Have trouble finding a new tenant.
Oh, sometimes, rarely, I have good ideas. I have just had one. I am going to have a fag to celebrate and then I shall tell you all about it.
Right. Fag fagged, so now for the Good Idea.
Fallon’s demise is caused by something large and heavy falling on her in the cellar at The Bull. Kenton is responsible for not having done whatever he should have done to stop large and heavy things falling on the staff. Jolene boots Kenton out. He sofa-surfs round the family but is welcome nowhere. Jazzer, who has always carried a dimmish torch for the flattened fair one, and a number of his dodgier mates ambush Kenton one night down a dark alley in Borchester or Felpersham and give him a good kicking, leaving him with some form of permanent disability. Jolene, who is ‘devastated’ in the approved Ambridge fashion, struggles running the pub alone, although she does see to it that large heavy things are now properly secured. She is shunned by the Archers now she is no longer ‘family’. Jazzer, who feels that Jolene was also in part to blame, carries on a low-level vendetta aimed at wrecking The Bull’s dwindling business. The pub closes. Jolene is never heard from again.
Yes, well, good thing I didn’t. You’d have all been instructing me on How To Grieve.
Speaking of grieving, if we kill off Fallon, which seems like a splendid idea, we’d have also to expedite Jolene rather swiftly as well, as I don’t think anyone wants to go through again what we were made to suffer when Sid died.
Surprised you didn’t mention Kirsty! Or is that to come?
I would be satisfied were Kirsty merely to bugger off. Or to do something to justify her as far as I can see largely undeserved status as the listeners’ darling and a general wonder-woman.
If in doubt of how to regard Kirsty, and if you disliked Rob, remember that it was she who saved his life. Aye, quite the heroine.
Kirsty falls into my ‘characters I want to shake for being a doormat’ category. Like the voice, though.
Look, everyone, I didn’t mean to be so restrictive. Just post about anyone you’d like to see or rather hear offed!
Wouldn’t it be more to the point to list the characters we don’t want to see offed?
Such as his in-laws
…leaving him with some form of permanent disability
More of a disability than being Kenton, you mean?
I take your point, Gus, but Kirsty for a while seemed to exist only to be dumped in expensive restaurants, which gave me a certain amount of feeling “I wish something nice would happen to her occasionally”.
Similarly, Fallon was interesting in the early days when she was trying to make a go of the band. That’s bloody hard work but if you’re good at it, which she was, you can make a living at it – and it meant she’d be spending a lot of time travelling, and turn up once in a while with an Outside Perspective. But that all got completely forgotten.
Her leaving Ambridge would be a nice thing to happen to her, surely?
That’s the best thing that could happen to any of the poor blighters.
After tonight’s episode, I’m hoping for a car crash which instantly kills both Lilian and Justin. They never would be missed, they never would be missed!
And, even better, I can’t see that there would be an awful lot of Grieving in Ambridge, either.
Well, yes. Pip. Horribly.
But as that raffle-ticket is taken then Linda bloody Snell. I’d never get tired of making her life a misery.
I honestly think I hate all of them, but I’d really like to ded Jill. She’s a complete cake-engendering shite.
When did she last talk to the bees? Has she been neglecting them in favour of Moar Casseroles?
I had to quote that in its entirety because I feel it cannot be improved on in any way. ‘A complete cake-engendering shite’. Soo, thank you. It might take the gilt off the gingerbread (see how right you are) slightly if I tell you that your post was the cause of much unseemly hooting here in the doggerel house.
‘Hooting’ - gawds, who can stop this insidious menace?